I Was At Rock Bottom - Not Anymore Baby!

A million subscribers on YouTube? Tell her she's dreaming.

A couple years back I was quite comfortable. A mother, a fiance, a farmer's housewife. No aspirations of my own, not that there is anything wrong with that at all but I know myself. I'm a big dreamer. I wanted to be a lawyer, an electrician, a police officer. Mum and dad, remember all of my crazy dreams haha? I was pretty disappointed in myself that I always gave up. But maybe that's because it wasn't right. 

Eventually I met a man, settled down, and I was pretty happy and comfortable, almost on cruise control with very little turbulence. Until that ended and life went to shit. I mean ground collapsing, suck me into the earth and bury me where I'd stay alive for ever in this claustrophobic hole with no outside contact, kinda shit. ROCK BOTTOM.

What the fuck have I done with all my time? Started and stopped every dream I've ever had. Loved and then LOST. And now I have 3 very individual crazy kids (whom I love to bits) to raise on the smallest of finances and let's not forget, I just got dumped.

But from there something beautiful happened. I believed in myself. I fought my way out of that rut (it took a bloody long time and a lot of pairs of ears), and I began to look to my children who never signed up for this. My poor kids. I was going to make it up to them. 

Mother hood is a job I will never give up on.

I've spent a year on this goal, teaching them to cook, reading to them, trying to be more 'available and in the moment'. And now I want to teach them about their dreams. 

We live in a house that doesn't have enough bedrooms. We don't make enough money to enjoy our weekend. And that holiday I was saving for just went on repair to our car. Sorry kids another year.

I'm not staying here. I am grateful for everything we have but I want to show my kids the world. I want to make amazing memories with them at Disney land. I want them to see how people live in the 3rd world and let them have the opportunity to help out.

And then there's my dream. My career, my hobby. My passion. YouTube. It's not about popularity, it's about reaching out to people. For now the videos are basic, just me, my friends and family having fun. But I have huge goals for the future. To reach out to teens and offer support. I don't want to say too much but basically it's everything I love, rolled into one. Talking, counseling, being there for people, computers and technology. I FINALLY after 29 years, found my dream job. 

Some of you may have rolled your eyes and thought, what a stupid thing to be doing with your time. I hope this has shed some light for you. I will make my babies proud, I will make my parents proud, and I will be there for all you beautiful people of the world.

Rock bottom changed me.... For the better.

www.youtube.com/kyleetate

Co parenting

I miss my son. It's only been an hour but I miss him. I know as time passes I'll get used to it. I think break ups are a million times harder when there is a child involved. I want to be selfish and keep my son all to myself, I don't want to have to see my x, continually feeling the pain of loosing him added to the heartache of giving up my son for a weekend, but unfortunately I have a conscience. I know letting him go to his dads every fortnight is the right thing to do. I know putting my own heart aside for my son is the selfless act that we sign up to when we choose to be a parent. No matter what the cost to your own heart.

I also co parent with my daughters fathers. We're all friends so this makes things run very smoothly. My eldest spends holidays with her dad and grandma as they're a few hours away and my middle child spends every second weekend with her dad. I'm not going to sugar coat it. Nights like tonight, when you've only spent 2 days away from your child in a whole year, will be hard. Heart wrenching, search through old photos, crying asking yourself why, hard. But trust me, from experience, it does get easier. Just remember who your doing it for, that beautiful blue eyed, blonde haired boy who I know loves his daddy more than the world. Who am I to take that away?

Xxx

Change

You know when things just don't go the way you planned. Those really big plans that make a huge impact on your life. Like where you live or having children. Look at your current situation. Now click your fingers and imagine the complete opposite. Did you feel excited? Nervouse? Sad? Anxious? I think if things could literally change in a click of our fingers we would all be feeling a little anxious. Even if the change is good because change isn't comfortable. It takes us a while to settle into our new lives. It's the predictability in each day that makes us feel stable, like what time our kids wake up, or what time we start work, or when we eat dinner. 

My life changed in a click of the finger. That dam finger. Anxiety is always with me now because it's hard to settle into something that you don't want. Maybe I blinded myself to the inevitable because I didn't want to believe it could ever end. Maybe I took the ring on my left finger too literal.

So what now? 

I sat on this question for a really long time. Those aweful what if's poured into my head like toxic waste. Then sadness, as if someone had passed away. I mourned for my children, especially my son. There's never a day that goes by that he doesn't cry from 6pm on. That was the time he spent with his dad each day. How can I fill his shoes? 

After a lot of tears and soul searching it finally dawned on me. I don't have a choice in the matter. The only choice I have now is how many days I dwell in these painful thoughts. 

I chose today to be my last...