Change

You know when things just don't go the way you planned. Those really big plans that make a huge impact on your life. Like where you live or having children. Look at your current situation. Now click your fingers and imagine the complete opposite. Did you feel excited? Nervouse? Sad? Anxious? I think if things could literally change in a click of our fingers we would all be feeling a little anxious. Even if the change is good because change isn't comfortable. It takes us a while to settle into our new lives. It's the predictability in each day that makes us feel stable, like what time our kids wake up, or what time we start work, or when we eat dinner. 

My life changed in a click of the finger. That dam finger. Anxiety is always with me now because it's hard to settle into something that you don't want. Maybe I blinded myself to the inevitable because I didn't want to believe it could ever end. Maybe I took the ring on my left finger too literal.

So what now? 

I sat on this question for a really long time. Those aweful what if's poured into my head like toxic waste. Then sadness, as if someone had passed away. I mourned for my children, especially my son. There's never a day that goes by that he doesn't cry from 6pm on. That was the time he spent with his dad each day. How can I fill his shoes? 

After a lot of tears and soul searching it finally dawned on me. I don't have a choice in the matter. The only choice I have now is how many days I dwell in these painful thoughts. 

I chose today to be my last...