Stumbling through life with anxiety | Kylee Maree

We all have a poor me moment in life:

I'm one of those people who stumbles my way through life. Not because I want to, but because that's the cards I dealt myself. No one else dealt them. I take responsibility. I've realised I'm terrified of tomorrow. I feel claustrophobic, I'm in a box and I'm not sure how to get out. So many people think they know how I can get out, but once they realise the situation I'm in, there's silence.

Every day is a trial and error. One day my kids are insane, one day they're calm. One day I get things done and the next, I'm chasing my tail all day. One day I'm ok with finances, the next, I'm wondering how we will survive. I have no security, things change daily. I suffer pretty full on anxiety because of this. It's really hard to not 'feel' in control of your life. But that's all it is. It's a feeling.

I am in control. I do however have to stick to guidelines. I've discovered it's almost impossible to have enough money each week while my children are not in school.

But not impossible. It's up to me to discover the possibility. That brings more anxiety, fear, doubt. Where do I start? There are millions of possibilities and only one or so right ones.

So this is where you get back into bed, right? Where you take what you can get to keep your head above water. Keep on stumbling. Tune out from the world, the kids, and write a giant status on how shit you feel until the anxiety subsides.

Not today. Today I feel so anxious I'm close to vomiting and I don't have a logical thought in my head. But I'm going to film a youtube video for my channel today, that frankly makes $4 a month at the moment, because although it a crazy dream and a whole lot of work, it has the possibility to set my children and I up for life. It's a huge time consuming decision that makes no sense to so many and has had me doubting myself.

My brain: Go get a normal job. That's a no brainer, easiest way out.
Job: lands in my lap.
My brain: sweet that was easy.
1 week later: kids won't sleep, day cares too expensive, I'm drowning in anxiety and I've just realised im $50 down a week putting us under the lowest earning family threshold.
My brain: $&@$&#$& *shuts down* stumble stumble stumble.

I actually feel like staring at a wall for a few hours to self regulate but how can I have a right to complain tomorrow, when I didn't do any thing to help the situation today? When I didn't push through. When I thought I'd given enough effort to the situation. Here's a hint. You didn't give enough effort unless you have what you want..

No more stumbling. I'm not a toddler anymore. I'm a big girl.

www.youtube.com/kyleetate