Co parenting

I miss my son. It's only been an hour but I miss him. I know as time passes I'll get used to it. I think break ups are a million times harder when there is a child involved. I want to be selfish and keep my son all to myself, I don't want to have to see my x, continually feeling the pain of loosing him added to the heartache of giving up my son for a weekend, but unfortunately I have a conscience. I know letting him go to his dads every fortnight is the right thing to do. I know putting my own heart aside for my son is the selfless act that we sign up to when we choose to be a parent. No matter what the cost to your own heart.

I also co parent with my daughters fathers. We're all friends so this makes things run very smoothly. My eldest spends holidays with her dad and grandma as they're a few hours away and my middle child spends every second weekend with her dad. I'm not going to sugar coat it. Nights like tonight, when you've only spent 2 days away from your child in a whole year, will be hard. Heart wrenching, search through old photos, crying asking yourself why, hard. But trust me, from experience, it does get easier. Just remember who your doing it for, that beautiful blue eyed, blonde haired boy who I know loves his daddy more than the world. Who am I to take that away?

Xxx

James turns 1!!!!

I can't believe it! My baby is 1. A year ago on the 19th of March, I gave birth to a healthy 8 pound 8 baby boy. 

I decided in celebration, I'm going to write out his birth story! It's a little scary, very emotional and not what you all expected but at the end of the day, my little prince was born, and that's all that really matters.

I was 2 weeks away from my due date. Things between Tom and I weren't right, and he decided we were better off separating. So I had 2 weeks to wrap my head around being a single mother to 3 children! I can tell you it wasn't a fun time but back to the story.

My due date, the 14th of March, came and went. I think James could sense my fear. I had decided to have Tom in the birthing sweet anyway as it was such short notice, I still hadn't wrapped my head around him not being apart of it. My braxton hicks were getting crazy in the days following my due date. A few times there I thought labour was starting but nope, James wanted to stay put in the safety of my womb!!!

I got a phone call around 2am on Wednesday the 19th March, from a very upset Tom. He didn't want this for his son, he wanted to work on our relationship. I swear to you the minute I heard those words, James knew. He wanted to come into this world and be with his family!! Contractions started so Tom raced over. We began to time them and they got harder and faster very quickly. 

We'd been apart for 3 weeks by now so we had a lot to catch up on! In between contractions we would chat and I was feeling over the moon :) Our baby was coming into the world and our family was together again. We were close to calling the hospital and heading in to meet our little man!! That's when Tom dropped a bombshell on me. He was feeling guilty about something (personal) that he no longer wanted to hold onto. This news shocked me that much that labour literally stopped as quickly as it had started. My next contractions distanced to 15 minutes apart. I had been in labour around 3 hours now, my last labour being only 5 hours long.

I tried really hard to get back into the swing of things. A bath, positive thinking, some sexy time ;) Another 6 hours of contractions every 15 minutes and we'd all had enough. We headed to the hospital.

The nurse monitored me for a while, then came to the conclusion that my labour had stalled and I was now in early labour, and probably would stay that way for a while, even days. I was only 2cms and I was a mess. Any emotional stability that I had left was completely gone by now. The nurse genuinely felt sorry for me and decided together with the change over nurse that I could have my waters broken in 4 hours if they hadn't broken themselves. That was a loong 4 hours! I was at 4-5cms when my waters were finally broken. 

Well, did that wake James up or what? Holy crap on a cracker labour came on fast. Within seconds my labour amped up to 1000 and I was sucking down gas and air like no tomorrow! This was by far the most painful labour I've been through. My body hadn't eased into it, it had started, stoped and then was force started again. Within an hour I was at 10cms and ready to push! I had been put into the all dreaded bath about 5 minutes earlier (I hate that thing!) and had to jump straight out as my midwife was not certified to do water births. Man was that annoying! If you've ever had a child it's not as easy as 'close your legs and don't push'!! 

I don't really remember all that much but I remember that head. That 36.5cm head! The one that got stuck half way out. The one I had to wait what felt like a life time for another contraction to get the rest of it out!! Ouch..

So here he is! Here's our baby James!! I remember looking over and seeing Tom's face. I wonder what he was thinking at that exact moment? 

They left me to nurse James for over an our, still covered in baby goo and he still hadn't had his obs taken. I was really keen for Tom to hold James so we called in the nurses and asked them to take his stats and let Tom dress him. As they took his stats they took mine too. Suddenly alarms were going off, doctors were rushing everywhere and I was told not to move a muscle. Wires were strapped to me attached to monitors and my belly was poked and prodded. A doctor said to me 'do you feel light headed?' No... What hells going on? My heart rate was at 40bpm. 'Are you an athlete?' Umm no.. Am I going to die? 

Tom stood there in shock just staring at me holding James. It went on for an hour, monitoring my heart, jabbing me with needles, and no answeres. I eventually had to try to feed James with all these wires coming from my chest, that was a mission! After a few hours and my heart rate rising to 50bpm, I was eventually allowed to sit on a chair in the shower then head to to our room. We were lucky enough to get a single room, probably a nice way of saying 'if you drop dead in the middle of the night, we don't want to scare the other patience'. Tom decided to go home and sleep (not happy Jan) while James and I had a very long long sleep in the hospital. By morning my heart rate was back down to 45bpm, jumping to 60bpm after I walked around.

They never figured out what happened, I still don't know. But baby James Antony was finally in my arms. Maybe he's going to be a heart breaker ;-)

Xxx

Change

You know when things just don't go the way you planned. Those really big plans that make a huge impact on your life. Like where you live or having children. Look at your current situation. Now click your fingers and imagine the complete opposite. Did you feel excited? Nervouse? Sad? Anxious? I think if things could literally change in a click of our fingers we would all be feeling a little anxious. Even if the change is good because change isn't comfortable. It takes us a while to settle into our new lives. It's the predictability in each day that makes us feel stable, like what time our kids wake up, or what time we start work, or when we eat dinner. 

My life changed in a click of the finger. That dam finger. Anxiety is always with me now because it's hard to settle into something that you don't want. Maybe I blinded myself to the inevitable because I didn't want to believe it could ever end. Maybe I took the ring on my left finger too literal.

So what now? 

I sat on this question for a really long time. Those aweful what if's poured into my head like toxic waste. Then sadness, as if someone had passed away. I mourned for my children, especially my son. There's never a day that goes by that he doesn't cry from 6pm on. That was the time he spent with his dad each day. How can I fill his shoes? 

After a lot of tears and soul searching it finally dawned on me. I don't have a choice in the matter. The only choice I have now is how many days I dwell in these painful thoughts. 

I chose today to be my last...

The fill in..

For my next blog post to make any sense I will need to write one explaining what's happened since my last. Although the country was a lovely place to live, Caitlin was unhappy in her new school and Tom began to feel the strain of working 12 hour shifts 6 days a week. Despite the money being good, there was no time to spend it, no time for family and little time for rest. Tom made the decision on New Year's Eve that this year would be our "family year". We had planed to marry in April 2015 but decided that instead, every cent we earnt would be put into family activities and vacations where ever possible. As the month went on we realised that this just couldn't happen with the amount Tom was working so in the second week of January, we packed once again and headed back to our home town.....